Don’t Forget Yourself

One of the items on my bucket list this year was to have a picnic in the park. And I have officially checked that item off of my list.

This past weekend, the stage was set and the weather could not have been more perfect.  We had the charcuterie board prepared by yours truly, a variety of flowers for bouquet making, a birthday cake (because yes, it’s still my birthday), and bubbles! 

I put on my poofy floral dress, grabbed my best girls, and we headed to the park. 

We had to beat back the flies who wanted to partake in our meal but other than our efforts to protect the food at all costs, I couldn’t help but take it all in.  The beautiful clouds, wind blowing through our hair, good food, great company, and plenty of laughs and smiles to go around. 

As I looked around, I couldn't help but ask myself, how did I even come up with the idea to facilitate this moment?

Truth is, it was always in me to do.  I love flowers. I love frilly dresses and sunny weather. I love walking barefoot through the grass, small treats, cultivating memories for others to find joy in and creating lasting memories. But, why hadn’t I done something like this before?

I Forgot Myself

Some three and a half hours after we’d had our fill of the sunshine and sweet treats, we packed up our lunch, put our wicker baskets in the trunk and headed home.  As we were leaving the park, I began to scroll through all of the photos and videos that we’d taken. And I couldn’t help but stare at myself and ask, who is this woman with this large smile , floral dress on, beaming with joy and holding wildflowers?  And, where has this version of me been all these years?

You see, the woman in the photos didn’t look like the woman I told myself I had to be to survive. The last few seasons in my life told me that there was no room for gentleness.  

I was convinced that large smiles and soft hearts attract warfare. So I tucked my boisterous laugh and wide smile behind a scowl so no predator would mark me as an easy target.   I told myself that I had no time for flowers and bouquets, I had too much work to do, too many people to care for and too much on my plate to cater to this version of myself. 

There is Space for Gentleness

What do you do when life causes you to forget parts of yourself?  When it convinces you that there is no room for rawness, that femininity is a liability and that a woman cannot be both strong and gentle.  What happens when you start to choose barriers over boundaries and fierceness over tenderness not becasue it’s authentic but because it feels less painful?

I am in a season of internal transition; not forward, but backwards; and in the most beautiful way.  Back to softness. Back to joy and laughter.  Back to smiling uncontrollably. Back to thoughtful gestures and compassion. Back to being me without concern for acceptance.

I’m learning that self- abandonment isn’t just about putting the needs of others before your own, it's also about putting who you really are on the shelf in order to survive.    

But as I looked back at these pictures, I saw myself coming back to life, back to joy, back to me. 

Remember Who You Are

So if you’re anything like me and the past few seasons have presented you with more hard days than happy ones.  If you’ve ever felt like you’ve had to hide parts of yourself to survive or that the present season didn’t allow for you to experience the joy and freedom that comes from being yourself. If authenticity and compassion have ever felt unsafe for you; be encouraged.  One day, you’ll look up and you’ll see the real you again.  And when you see her, hold her tightly, reassure her that she’s safe. And this time around, as you go through life, don’t forget yourself.